Saga of the Amazing Human Man! » Journal

What an awesome quote

Shawn — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:31:50 +0000

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

~Dr. Seuss

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Contentment makes for boring content?

Shawn — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 20:47:18 +0000

Someone take away my GLeeMONEX will you please

Yep, I’m happy. Pretty lame huh? Sure doesn’t make for juicy news does it? Not like this blog has ever been about me airing all my drama or anything, but it seems like my best work be it art or writing or what have you, comes from a darker place. Understanding arises from conflict. I’ve been conflicted for a long time. I’ve been alone for a long time. I’ve struggled against all sorts of adversity (mostly self imposed, at least initially, but..) & it’s made for all sorts of creative ideas/outlets.

I share, that’s how I work things out, how I vent, release. This blog is just an extension of that. As I’ve gotten older I feel like I get tired of hearing myself talk about my issues, though I’ve gotten a thousand times better. Now, with the blog, I feel I don’t have to bother anyone with it. I don’t know if anyone really even reads this thing but it still makes me feel better just knowing it’s out there for some reason. Beyond extroverted, I know.

And now I’m sitting here telling you I’m happy. What kind of interesting content comes from this place? I’ve always found happier subject matter to seem trite and well, silly. The last thing I want to do when I’m looking to be inspired or entertained is listen to some schmuck talk about how beautiful the world is.

With that said, I’ll spare you the gory details fair readers and just say that I’ve met someone special and am venturing into a new relationship for the first time in years. I’m walking around with an obnoxious grin on my face all day. I am floating. It’s always magical in the beginning, full of hope and excitement. I’ll be back with juicier news when we start to hate each other. Let’s hope it’s not for a while
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The Jerk

Shawn — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 04:07:49 +0000

Everyone gets moody, has an off day. I’m a social person though that has always excelled at making small talk and sharing pleasantries even when things aren’t going well. I don the ‘happymask’, make a joke, poke fun at myself, get kidding around and soon I’m even fooling myself into thinking everything’s coming up roses. I was such a jerk today.

I stared at nothing and pretended to listen while friends & coworkers shared valued thoughts with me. I was curt to strangers. I cut people off in traffic.

Today I wanted to turn and walk away from people while they talked to me. I wanted to yell at people to leave me alone. I didn’t smile at them and make them laugh today instead. Could they see my disdain?

My father is coming for the weekend tomorrow after asking him several times this past few months. I’ve changed my mind. Our personalities are a volatile mix on a perfect day. I want to hide in my room with the shades drawn until he leaves. Maybe I should.

People say that everyone is entitled to a few bad days. I’m not sure when the last time was that I let myself have one publicly. I feel awful. I was such a jerk today.

When It Hits You Feel No Pain Pt. III

Shawn — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 05:42:16 +0000

Just sharing another song that gets under my skin. Feeling like you’re standing still for so long, only to be “catapulted” into motion but not quite sure where you’ll land is something I can relate to.

From the top of the first page
To the end of the last day
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn’t matter who you are.

That line gets me every time. Powerful, moving. When asked what it is that I would hope to find in another, I think the onion eventually gets peeled down to (among a few important others) “someone who cares/listens/is on my side”. It’s what I seek at its basest, simplest form. It’s that kind of loving acceptance that moves life meaningfully forward.

I’m tired of knowing that this is what I hope to achieve but never reaching for it. I have left square one.

Square One

By: Coldplay

You’re in control is there anywhere you wanna go?
You’re in control is there anything you wanna know?
The future’s for discovering
The space in which we’re traveling

From the top of the first page
To the end of the last day
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn’t matter who you are.

Under the surface trying to break through
Deciphering the codes in you
I need a compass,draw me a map
I’m on the top I can’t get back
Whoah. Woah.

First line of the first page
To the end of the last place
You were looking
From the start in your own way
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn’t matter who you are
It doesn’t matter who you are

Oooh.

You just want somebody listening to what you say
You just want somebody listening to what you say
It doesn’t matter who you are
It doesn’t matter who you are

Is there anybody out there who is lost and hurt and lonely too
Are they bleeding all your colours into one
And if you come undone as if you’d been run through
Some catapult that fired you
You wonder if your chance will ever come
Or if you’re stuck in square one.

Home?

Shawn — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 21:58:30 +0000

“How long ya home for?”

“Just the weekend.”

Folks around home just nod their head in a silent understanding. They know why I keep my visits to a minimum, there’s not much here anymore. East Millinocket looks pretty ragged nowadays. The streets I ran and skateboarded on, pavement all cracking, grass poking through. The general store I played video games & pinball at every night after school, long closed. The lot where workers once parked to enter the mill coming into town, now full of cars, motorcycles and snowmobiles for sale. Many of the friends I graduated with no longer come back, their families relocated in search of work once the mill laid off and showed no hope of improving.

Things move slower here than I remember. Not much changes, or should I say, not much progresses. The mill is closed again due to lack of orders and money is drying up. People are leaving and those that stay are feeling the weight of the economy. Nothing new lasts. Nothing seems to get repaired. My hometown is in its death throes.

I sadly feel aloof now from the town I grew up in. I’ve changed. East Millinocket was never going to be enough for me but I always had a soft spot for the pace and peace of small-town life. No matter where I’ve been it’s been an anchor. But now watching its population dwindle, its streets and homes weather, seeing the tote roads I hunted since I was a teenager cleared and cut in desperate attempts to step up production for diminishing demand, my memories start to fade with the years and many of the faces that made this town home have all moved on.

It will always be where I grew up, where my family is, where I learned my most important life lessons, but it hurts my heart a little to know now that it will never be home again.

Passing Thought #1001 (revisited)

Shawn — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 02:20:39 +0000

Posted by me on Twitter 12/2/2008:

“Delayed reaction from this weekend: No I haven’t lost weight. Stop asking every time you see me.”

My thoughts on this the following day:

Not much else needs to be said here I guess, hence the simple beauty of twitter. I wonder at what point this trend goes from annoying to just plain insulting. It’s starting to tip the scales.

Even a simple, albeit vapid, “lookin good!” [*wink* and/or * thumbs up*] would be better. Pointing out sore spots isn’t complimentary. Save your sentiments for when you can actually, genuinely see a difference, then I’ll appreciate it.

That was a deciding moment. It’s been 7 months and 28 pounds later and I’d love it if you asked. Ask away. Thanks

When It Hits You Feel No Pain Pt. II

Shawn — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:45:17 +0000

The title of this post refers to my earlier post of same name, where a song caught me off guard surprising me with an emotional response. In this case it wasn’t the lingering sting of a long lost relationship, but the bittersweet memories of past struggles and ultimately a sense of achievement in getting past them. This is such a beautiful song. It’s sung and recorded in such an honest and simple way with words that cut straight to me. I remember the days, months, all that time, waiting for something positive to happen in my life rather than going out and making it happen. I’m not that person anymore. I finally feel as if mine has begun. I wonder what’s ahead?

WAITING FOR MY REAL LIFE TO BEGIN

Album : “Going Somewhere”
(written by: Colin Hay / Thom Mooney)
Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again

And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day
I can see a very very long way

Apparently, I like to say Awesome.

Shawn — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 03:53:58 +0000

Enjoy my neat little wordle word cloud (a.k.a. sad excuse for new content) using text from twitter, facebook, and other various social media profiles I’ve erected over the past few years, though most of them in recent months. I will return shortly to explain why the alluring convenience of shortness is further straining my attention span and sidetracking my mind and time from posting here.

On Holding My Breath

Shawn — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 02:08:24 +0000

Here I come, out of the clear blue, or aptly, gray lately.

I know I promised at the end of my previous post that I would be back to bore everyone that remembers this blog exists with what things are rocking my boat currently. I swore to return to my blogging duties I’ve been shirking. It’s been a month now but here I am.

It took divine intervention to get me to shave this morning

I have no excuses. I stated when I started this blog that I wanted to see how long it would hold my fleeting interest and see if I could stick with it if I liked it. I like it. It’s been rewarding to vent, to get some ideas out, flex my writing muscle a wee bit. Hell, I’ve even gotten some positive feedback from friends both new and old that they have enjoyed reading along. Yet somehow I don’t DO it. Instead, I filter writing time to the bottom of my agenda each day until weeks go by and I rarely log in, dodging some self-induced guilt for not keeping up on an experiment that surely proves what maybe I knew all along – that Shawn can’t follow through on anything on his own.

I’m coaxed, poked, prodded, bribed, coerced into completing tasks. I’m lured forward, eyes up, perpetually chasing that carrot. This project is for ME though. There’s no monetary motivation, no grade, no commission. No pressure. Is it time? I’ll schedule it! So, I set todo’s on my phone to post and ignore them. Ah, perhaps convenience? Maybe if I download the Wordpress app on my iPhone I’ll post more – it’ll be right in my pocket! It now lies on my 3rd page of apps where i put my least used, with the icons I can’t erase. What is it then?

This is the only aspect I miss of the drinking days, just doing. I mean I was doing all the wrong things, and the right things badly (or half assed?) Point being, I acted. I did. I didn’t fret and second guess and agonize, I took my bad, self destructive ideas and DID them with little recourse as to how it effected anything (myself or anyone else) – making me a huge asshole, albeit a driven one.

So why can’t I do that now, with my good ideas? With my head on straight, a clever plan, and keen grasp of what’s to gain and what’s at stake, could I forge forward effortlessly, faith restored, a man on a mission? Apparently not. Instead I quibble and shrink, inert. Like Hamlet, endlessly stewing on whether he should or should not.

Breathe, just breathe.

I can’t ever seem to let myself just flow. I mentioned a while back the reason I’d lost touch with friends because I continually put off calling them for when the magical time arrives where I deem i have enough time set aside to catch up. When exactly is that time?

I’m constantly holding my breath. Waiting for the right time to jump. I do it in every aspect of my life it seems. Why is now never the perfect time to start going to the gym? The right time to open myself to dating someone should be NOW shouldn’t it? Do I want/need another 10 years to fly by before i make any more artwork? Maybe I should hang back though and wait for the time to be right, for things to be just so, for the idealized situation to simply present itself like a burning bush that screams “GET ON WITH IT!”

It took the imaginary line in the sand of the promise of a New Year that could only be better than the last for me to actually make the leap into sobriety. This year on New Year’s Day I started the diet plan I’ve been on that’s lead me to lose 14lbs so far. I’ve seen some gains. I have improved my situation in the past by moving forward with a plan.. when i actually let myself. Now to capture that spirit, incorporate it into all tasks big and small.

On the upside though, I didn’t intend on this being the topic of my post today. It just came. And I’ll take it. Now, if I can get out of my own way long enough, I’ll try and let my life and my blog posts about said life flow a little more easily. I’ll be back soon with a post with a fuckin point I promise.

25 Things

Shawn — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 01:07:31 +0000

I was tagged on the FB (yes, I have a Facebook account now, so you all can stop bitching ok?!) with another incarnation of the seven random things meme, namely 25 Things. Twenty five was a bit much people. I think seven was the perfect amount, it gave you license to add some content to each one and be a little more creative. So, that in mind, few here are more than a sentence long.

I am addicted to my iPhone.
I have had a gym membership for the past year and a half but never stepped foot in the place since I signed up.
I talk during the movie, MST3K/Rifftrax style. If something happens that needs to be aped I can’t seem to hold back. I’m sorry.
I don’t feel like a grown up.
I suck at video games. I love to play, love to watch people who kick ass at them, I just lack skills and it pisses me off so bad I break controllers and wake up neighbors.
I still play D&D every week on Sunday night. I have been playing off and on for about 15 years. I look forward to it all week.
I have a rare auto-immune disease called Sarcoidosis. Not much is known about why it happens and there is no known cure. It doesn’t affect me much in my day-to-day life and currently don’t need to treat it thankfully. If you’re interested you can read more @ www.stopsarcoidosis.org
I am easily distracted and have a tendency to tackle things and immerse myself in them intensely for a time only to move on to other things once my interest wanes. I am constantly beating myself up for my lack of follow-through.
I am opinionated and have always been honest to a fault about how I feel on most any topic. Over the past couple years or so, I have made it a point to bite my tongue and be discreet. I will still speak my mind, but only if you ask.
I am a grammar and spelling nazi. It even bothers me if my text messages are misspelled. I try not to judge people on their spelling/penmanship/grammar, but it’s hard for me.
I love to trout fish and hunt partridge, though I rarely get the chance but once or twice a year.
Numbers don’t stick in my mind. For example, give me your number without writing it down or entering it in my cell and I will forget it. When I enter it into my phone, check to make sure I didn’t confuse the order of the digits, even if you tell me twice and I repeat it to you. I just can’t remember them nor can I do much with them when they’re right in front of me, see #25.
I quit drinking on January 1st 2007. It’s been 2 years and life has been a lot better since.
I have a keen memory for jokes and funny stories. I love a good joke, funny email, video, commercial, whatever. Tell me half of a joke and nine times out of ten I can tell you the punchline.
I am still super close with a tight group of best friends from grade school/high school. I’m told this is rare. They rock.
I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts but haven’t done any artwork in almost 8 years. I am scared that I’ll never find my creative center again if I don’t start working soon.
I haven’t dated anyone seriously in over 3 years.
I love new music. I have a new favorite song/artist/dj every other day. I would rather a dj or band play something I haven’t heard yet than sing along to the same old tunes.
I can whistle so loud it makes my ears ring.
I love tattoos. I plan on getting a full sleeve done within the next 2 years.
I don’t tolerate caffeine well. I get some pretty severe anxiety from it. I can drink a can of Pepsi in a day and that’s pushing it.
I love the television show Scrubs. I have seen every episode of every season so many times that I know every joke, yet I continue to watch them.
I am scared of Junebugs. I don’t know why. I know they are just beetles and they don’t even bite, but if one lands on me I will scream like a schoolgirl. Shut up.
I don’t care about sports. Pats, Sox, Bruins, whatEVER. I just don’t.
I’m bad at math. I’m a humanities guy, my skills with numbers lie in the basic add/subtract/mult/div, averages and sales percentages area and that’s about it.

I’ve been updating very seldom lately so this was a nice entry for my overclocked noodle to wind back down into outputting complete thoughts in lieu of indecipherable whispers, distracted utterances and random screams. I’ve been a wee bit stressed. Fear not though my loyal reader, I have a lot to write about though, and will make some time this month to bore you with all of it.