Shower Funnies

Shawn | April 4, 2008 in Funny | Comments (1)

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do

more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added

vitamins. (more...)

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Singles Awareness Day

Shawn | February 14, 2008 in Funny | Comments (0)

Tags: Anti-Valentines Day, Funny

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It's Cold Here

Shawn | February 1, 2008 in Funny | Comments (0)

Tags: Comic, Funny, Maine

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Boss-to-English Translator

Shawn | January 17, 2008 in Funny | Comments (1)

Tags: Funny, office

What your boss says and what he really means

Do you ever feel a trip to your boss’s office is like a trip to a foreign country? Nice view, but no speaka dee English? In order to ensure that none of the buck passing, put- downing, or one- upping is lost in translation, make sure to bring along this cheat sheet so you know what the big enchilada is really trying to say.

“Great job on the report!”
Translation: “I’m taking credit for your work.” (more…)

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The Genealogy of the Schitt Family

Shawn | January 16, 2008 in Funny | Comments (0)

Tags: Genealogy

The Lineage revealed:

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Now, you can handle the situation. (more…)

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Dog and Cat Diaries

Shawn | September 20, 2007 in Funny | Comments (0)

This is old I know, but I still get a kick out of it…

As seen in a dog’s diary:
7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm – Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat’s diary:
Day 1383 of my captivity…

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture and urinating on the bath mat.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded – must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair – must try this on their bed, or swallow enough thread from my captors mending basket to produce a trailing piece of fecal matter.
I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of the horror that I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan… Later, there was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. My proof is that the dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, as he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

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Werewolves and Lollipops

Shawn | September 12, 2007 in Funny | Comments (0)

The perfect companion to Ratatouille, lol. This guy is genius. I can’t get enough of this CD. Oswalt’s referential, sardonic gags are sharp and scathing. His sour commentary on all that is excess and all-American is relentless and funny as hell. Actors, college grads, comedians, and trekkies beware, he might be one of you but he’s not afraid to tear anything completely inside out for a laugh. Go out and buy, steal, rip, burn, download, this shit. Do what you gotta.

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Men Strike Back!

Shawn | September 9, 2007 in Funny | Comments (0)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
——————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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