It’s been a year now. As of January 1st, I haven’t drank a beer or done any elicit drugs for a whole year. It’s not like I was doing any mind altering drugs on a regular basis in the year or two that lead up to that day really, the booze was the real problem.

I decided that I needed to quit, and that I would. The story isn’t a sad, cautionary tale of woe. No “hitting rock bottom”, no “pink elephants” or bugs under my skin, no car crashes. No meetings, no clinics, no prayers to any gods. Just some self-actualizing and serious introspection. I know, pretty boring huh?

I wrote this on my myspace blog on April 8th this past year, I think it sums things up pretty well:

“Been outta the picture for a while. I was unemployed for a stretch there and pretty broke. Unemployment gave means to survive but not much else, so I had to lay low. It was boring and seemed like an eternity but somehow became a routine like anything else. But now I see that if it weren’t for all that down time, it would’ve been much more difficult to make the changes in my life that had needed to be made for so fuckin long.

Mainly that I quit drinking. For so many reasons that I’d rather not even list them all as they would take up the entire blog here, but sufficed to say, it needed to be done. I have also been on a higher dosage of a prescription tranquilizer drug called Ativan for over 3 years per my old school pill-happy Doctor. Btw, you’re not supposed to be drinking while on this medication… hehe Anyway, between the 2, my head was a mess, not to mention my health and spirit. I couldn’t think straight, my health was deteriorating (hypertension, obesity, abnormal liver function, cholesterol, migraines, yikes huh?), and my life had been passing me by. Worst of all I had kinda justified it all to myself so well, and my head was so cloudy anyway, that I only realized it for a fleeting moment here and there.

It’s been 98 days now dry as a bone. And from 2 to 3 milligrams per day of Ativan (picture 10 times that of Valium and you’ll get the picture), I’m down to 1/2 mg at bedtime. Already in 3 months my blood pressure has dropped dramatically, I haven’t had a headache or so much as a cold, and I’ve dropped 20+ pounds. Not to mention I can keep a coherent train of thought for more than 30 seconds, it’s been a clear blue couple of months. I’d almost forgotten what it’s like.

So here I am with a track to run on, my health is improving, I’m gainfully employed (more on that later), starting to create artwork again, sorting out my finances, and facing shit with a positive mental attitude. I know, it sounds like a fucking commercial or something, like some preachy non-smoker or born-again. But I really feel that it’s what my life needed, I really don’t care how anyone else feels about it, or how everyone else chooses to live. I’m just excited to get on with it, you know? So to those I haven’t seen in a while, I hope this explains why I’ve been so reclusive…”

I’m not saying it has been a piece of cake. It’s been trying at times, but I finally feel like I can get on with it and fully see beyond it now. I’ve stepped beyond my strained perception of myself, all the lies I told myself, all the fear. Once I realized that I wasn’t going to turn into some boring old man, some dried up old square, that I wasn’t really missing anything if I didn’t go out to town every single night, there I was: in the really real world. I think that’s been the hardest part, dealing with the mess that has always been here, all the things I continually ran from. I feel I’ve made headway there too, for the first time in a long time.

Upon realizing that I’ve just been drinking soda all night, the reaction outside my close group, has been a round of “yeah right..”, “yeah me too haha..” then a look of puzzlement. The encouraging pep talk usually ensues, and then the question: “Wow, what’s that like?”, said in such a way, like they couldn’t imagine how I could go without. I felt that way too at first, but I got thinking, what was it like? How did I feel about it now?

Again, it wasn’t at all like the obligatory after school special/AA litany I’d heard so many times before. There were a handful of times where it was a struggle at first but now I’ve made it to a point where I don’t think of alcohol in the same way anymore. I’ve detached myself, I’ve written it off. I’ve explained it as an allergy or trigger recalling a traumatic event. I just blocked it off. For example, I once ate so many of those nasty orange circus peanut candies one night when I was a kid, I thought I was going to die. I was super sick to my stomach. I haven’t eaten one since, just thinking of them now makes my stomach turn. Extreme example I know, but you get the idea. I shut them out.

I’ve been venturing back out to the clubs more and more to socialize, see bands, and hear friends spin. It hasn’t been a problem for me, which is cool. But NYE at White Heart sure tried my patience. Amateur night. I realized that drunks are really annoying. And that I was one of them for a long time. I was mad at these people more for reminding me of this, than spilling their drinks and shit on me. And I think realizing then, that this may not be my scene anymore, made me mad at them too. I left early.

So the tide turns. Change is tough for some people, I’m one of them. But it’s gotten much easier now. Nearly every aspect of my life has improved because I made a hard change, now I look forward to new ones! ~S

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